The Little Sliver of Unbelief
I’m not sure why I’ve been hiding this because you know it already… you know my thoughts, my fears, anxieties, and my doubts. For a while now I’ve been pretending. Pretending that my belief is 100% firm but that’s been a big fat lie. I’ll be honest I’ve come a long way from when I started doubting. My doubts were much worse and bordered on blasphemy. You exposed my mind to me back in 2023 and showed me all the places I’d stored doubt. Ever since then you’ve worked on me to reaffirm your truth. But I still think there’s a little sliver of doubt in me that rolls its eyes in the face of miracles and sucks its teeth when others offer their testimonies of your goodness.
I had a dream and during the dream, Auntie Matilda was with mom, Drie and myself and we were talking about something which I can’t remember but I remember clearly that it had to do with faith… a miracle? A testimony? Hmm not sure but i remember seeing that exact eye roll and chuckle that I’ve subtly caught myself let out under my breath a few times. IMMEDIATELY I started confronting Auntie in the dream.. how can you not believe? How can you doubt that the power that raised Christ from the dead is still active? Do you think it’s a lie? What happened to your faith?
She was rolling her eyes much harder now… then it dawned on me in the dream and the atmosphere changed right there from aggressive/accusatory to sadness…
I looked her dead in the eye and all I could see in the dream was pain… just because life has been hard doesn’t mean he’s not been there. Just because you’ve prayed for some things and you haven’t received them doesn’t mean his power is still not alive and working. The ice began to melt from her eyes but she didn’t cry. She felt seen but the emotions were still raw and uncomfortable. It made me sad.
I’m awake now and I’ve committed to a fast today to come against any faith stealers and doubt that wages war against our hope. You see, even though I saw auntie’s face, I saw myself in her a bit. God has done the greatest blessings for me far beyond what I’d dreamt sometimes but for some reason, whenever the topic of death, resurrection and the after life comes up, my faith falls short and cannot feel it. I understand the intellectual reason why the afterlife must be real… but I don’t feel it shaking my core in faith and happiness.
I know miracles are real and God can heal the sick and raise the dead but whenever it comes to my own eyes being healed from blindness, I doubt it. I doubt it when I see people who claim to be blind have their sight restored by the prayer of a believer. I always feel like there is something ‘“logical and rational” in me raising their brows and rolling their eyes. Lord I’m not sure why. Sometimes I think it’s because of the information I’ve been exposed to. Other people’s pain, doubt, logic, ‘reality’…. It’s categorized some miracles as impossible and others as fairly likely. The doubt creeps up and tries to steal the joy out of the miracles.
A little sliver of doubt is the enemies way to allow us to limit God in our minds. It’s the enemy’s tactic because he knows just how great God is and if we believe him completely, the same power that worked in Christ will work in us….
My logic says.
But the same power that raised Jesus from the dead? The one which allowed him to walk on water? Break 5 breads to feed 5000? The one he called life into existence with? That divine power? Yeaaa right…. Why do you think you have access to that power? Actually, why should you?! You’re not committed fully to God. You’re a part time guy.
My doubt says
What does my heart say?
I want to beat excitedly for this hope and faith but what if it doesn’t happen?
What if I believe and it doesn’t happen?
What if I pray about my sight and it still doesn’t get better? Why should I pray about it when the doctors have said the vision is lost in that eye and the damaged nerves cannot be repaired.
What if I ask for him to do it and he doesn’t? I don’t want to be crushed. I don’t want to expect and not receive. I don’t want to test the lord my God.
I don’t want to give myself false hope.
It’s not that I don’t believe it is possible… I’m not sure if he wants to do that for me and I haven’t wanted to ask him for him to say No.
What does God say?
He who believes like a child…
If you have faith as little as a mustard seed…
For I knew you in your mothers womb
I have plans for you. Plans to prosper you and give you hope and a future.
Dear Lord,
Please grow my faith and the faith of those who are in my family and circle.
